How to Heal From The Wounds of Sexual Abuse (Stage 3)

By Amanda Stuart

In my two previous articles on this topic, I explored a number of difficult hurdles to be overcome:

• the feelings of shame and guilt felt by anyone who was abused
• the fear of being seen as "bad" if they accuse an adult
• the fear of not being believed
• the concern that in some way the abuse was their fault because they invited it
• a concern for the perpetrator "he/she acted out of love"

Shameful feelings are what keep victims locked in, unable to confide in anyone. In the second article I discussed the way some of my clients were able to speak up about the abuse and in every case they were strengthened.

In this article I want to explore the issue of naming the abuser and, where appropriate, confronting that person. This of course may not be possible; he or she may be dead, living elsewhere and no longer contactable. I have known people go to great lengths, however, to locate the person who abused them. One of my clients travelled overseas to confront her uncle and she felt much stronger as a result. 93% of abusers know their victim; many are relatives and this can make it very hard because the rest of the family may become involved. You need to consider all the implications.

The first crucial step is to confide in someone you trust to discuss what you intend doing. You need to feel confident this is something you want to do. Talking it through with a counsellor or a wise and trusted friend or relative will help you to sort out your thoughts and feelings. This is not action to take lightly. Take your time.

If you do decide to go ahead and confront the person who abused you, it is helpful to be prepared for some quite likely things he or she might say, including:

• "you encouraged me / it was your fault"
• "you enjoyed it"
• "you're lying / I didn't abuse you"
• "I am terribly sorry - I've thought about you every day since then"

It is remarkable how many perpetrators of abuse make these claims if they are confronted. Remember you know the truth, you know you were not the guilty party, you know how much you have suffered as a result of the abuse. It is possible that your abuser will continue to deny what they did to you.

I often suggest to clients that they should write a letter first, which they can take with them when confronting an abuser. If you decide to write a letter, state the ways the abuse has affected your life. If the conversation does not go well, simply hand over the letter and leave.

Remember to consider carefully whether this is advisable for you. I would recommend your speaking to an experienced therapist beforehand.

I'd like to end this article by wishing anyone who follows my advice great courage; I have seen what a difference it can make to someone's sense of pride. It is a big step in valuing yourself.

Amanda Stuart has been counselling individuals, couples and families for fourteen years. She has worked with many people who experienced sexual abuse when they were young, often at the hands of family members. She has seen the change in them when they were able to free themselves of the shame and guilt. Amanda is the author of "The Longest Journey: Finding the True Self". In her book a number of ex-clients write about their journey in counselling and how they were able to free themselves of their wounds from abuse. "The Longest Journey: Finding the True Self" is available from bookstores, Amazon and via her website. For more information, and for contact details, see Amanda's websiteamandastuart.com.au

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