Dealing With a Sexless Relationship

By Ahmad Wajidi

If one of the issues plaguing your relationship is a lack of sexual intimacy (or any intimacy, for that matter), you certainly aren't alone. A sexless marriage is defined as one in which sexual intimacy occurs no more than 10 times a year. Surveys suggest that as many as 20 million couples in the USA are living in a sexless marriage. That number doesn't even include all the other committed relationships in which the couples are not married. Those are truly staggering numbers! No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

If this is your situation, you definitely have reason to be concerned, as this can leave your relationship extremely vulnerable, especially to infidelity. While both men and women have affairs, men in particular use sexual intimacy as one of the primary ways they express love to their significant other. (If it is not happening at home with you, he may very well look elsewhere!) Sex is also an important way for both of you to feel connected to each other. That's why this part of your relationship should never be ignored or its importance underestimated!

When sexual intimacy is missing, one or both of you may feel anger, neglect, resentment, frustration, loneliness, or sadness, to name a few negative emotions. Those are powerful emotions that can be very destructive to a relationship.

There are many reasons this situation develops with a couple. For men, some of the more common reasons include a partner who:

• Doesn't enjoy sex
• Isn't sexually adventurous or spontaneous
• Is no longer attractive to him and/or has put on a lot of weight

Other reasons for the man include:

• Impotence problems
• Feeling bored in the relationship
• Being in an affair
• Stress or exhaustion

For women, the reasons may include:

• Feeling as if she is merely an object to her partner
• Feeling pressured to engage in sexual activities she doesn't enjoy or isn't comfortable with
• No longer feeling attracted to her partner (Putting on a lot of extra weight works both ways!)
• Depression
• Problems having an orgasm
• Feeling angry at her partner
• Exhaustion

One of the first things you need to do in order to bring sexual intimacy back into your relationship is to determine the real reason it isn't there at the moment. This requires open, honest communication. If one or both of you ignore it or deny it, it will only get worse.

Once you determine the underlying problem, you must devise a plan of action to reignite your sexual relationship. It needs to be agreeable to both of you, and some compromise from both of you may be necessary.

It is crucial that any negative emotions affecting your relationship are dealt with. It is difficult to want to be intimate with your partner if you feel anger or resentment towards him. Again, those issues must be dealt with via open, honest communication. If you continue to get stuck or are unable to resolve (or determine) the underlying issue, couples therapy may be a necessary route to consider.

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