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"I'm so lonely that I can't stand it." "I just have to accept that I am going to be alone forever." "What's wrong with me? I can't seem to find anyone to love and will love me back?" These are statements that I hear over and over again from the souls on the couch across from me. Emotional pain pours out like beads of sweat on a sweltering day, permeating the room with the smell of despair. Quick glances upward, faint flickers of hope emitting from their eyes as they look to me for help. I know their pain; been there, done that.
For most people, there is nothing more painful than being single when you want to be married or in a committed relationship. After all, it's supposed to be easy, right? You tell yourself that you're a good person; that you want to love someone and have him or her love you back. You wake longing to create a deeply intimate bond with that someone special and live in the land of Happily Ever After. It is the future, not the here and now that will bring happiness and a sense of contentment.
"Why can't I find someone to be in a relationship with?" a young lady ponders.
"What about your relationship with your spiritual self?" I ask.
"I don't give that a lot of thought or attention. I am too busy looking for that one person who will be my soul mate to spend time thinking about that. I don't even know how to think about my spiritual self. And, I don't have the time."
It's curious how people expect to create a great relationship with another person when they don't have a great relationship with their Spiritual Self. Feeding the soul is where the journey to creating a dream relationship starts. It is about the here and now, not a fairy tale of the future. Connecting to mindfulness is an important step in living in the here and now; it starts you on a trek of moving away from pain and toward peace and tranquility.
Mindfulness is the act of observing your moment to moment experience and marinating it in kindness. It is about focusing your attention on what is happening in the moment; what you are feeling and thinking in any moment in time. It is being in a stance of openness, where acceptance and non-judgment allow curiosity to flourish. Being curious is critical, as it puts us in a state of seeking wisdom, arguably the most valuable thing in the universe.
"Have you ever thought about assessing situations without tagging on a judgment?" I ask.
"What do you mean?"
"For example, simply saying 'What I'm doing isn't working for me' and stopping there rather than adding on 'because I'm a loser?'"
"No. Not really. Look at my life. It is nothing like I dreamt it would be. I am a loser!"
Assessing without judging is a critical component of mindfulness. It allows us to look at our morals, values, and belief systems from a perspective of what is working and what is not without poisoning the food (thoughts) that we feed our Soul. Judgment is toxic. Non-judgment is nourishing and leads to enlightenment, empowerment, and transformation.
Mindfulness allows us to look at our spiritual Self and provides the opportunity to feed it a nine course meal. By its very nature it is an act of self love and acceptance. It allows us to look for and create validation from within, rather than looking for it from outside sources.
When we create internal validation, we are in a creative stance which we can control. We fuel our spiritual self and create self love and positive mental states of mind like self acceptance. We walk with life in our gate and radiate out warmth, which is attractive. It creates connections. When we look for validation from outside sources, we are in a desperate stance, we have no control, and we feed negative mental states of mind like Fear. We walk as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders. It is cold and pushes others away. It creates loneliness.
As you continue on your journey to create a dream relationship, remember to feed your Soul a healthy diet of love, warmth, mindfulness, self acceptance, and hope and do it from a non-judgmental stance. Make a promise to your spiritual Self that you will never starve it or poison it again with negative thoughts which contain no nutritional value. In doing so, you will radiate and attract others in a way that you have never experienced.
Rod Louden is a psychotherapist in Woodland Hills, CA. Rod is the author of Monster Relationships: Taming the Beasts that are Killing Your Relationships and is a contributing author to 101 Great Ways to Improve Your Life, Volume 3. For more information visithttp://www.monsterrelationships.com, http://www.rodlouden.com or Google Rod Louden.
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